Simpsons

• I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me. -Homer Simpson

• Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done. -Homer Simpson

• Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat! -Homer Simpson

• Stealing? How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin', did you? -Homer Simpson

• I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman! -Homer Simpson

• Come on Milhouse, there’s no such thing as a soul! It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogie Man or Michael Jackson. -Bart Simpson

• I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens, he came in peace and then died, only to come back to life, and his name was E.T., the extra terestrial. I loved that little guy. -Reverend Lovejoy

• Once something has been approved by the Government, It's no longer immoral. -Reverend Lovejoy

• And as we pass the collection plate, please give as if the person next to you was watching. -Reverend Lovejoy

• Lovejoy: "Get a divorce."
  Marge: "But isn't that a sin?"
  Lovejoy: "Marge, just about everything is a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom."

• Don't worry, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year. -God

• Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy. -Homer

• Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder. -Homer

• I was at Bible camp, learning how to be more judgemental. -Maude

• If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such. -Homer

• Bart: Wow! God is so in your face.
  Homer: Yea, he's my favorite fictional character.

• Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa? -Bart

• Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. -Bart

• I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church! -Homer

• I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell? -Homer

• Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things. -Ned Flanders

• God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion. -Superintendent Chalmers